To Live Is To Fly

hiatus

2009-08-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

to all my loyal followers (15 to be exact, including myself). i am taking a hiatus from blogging. i don't have anything to say right now. this could be temporary. it could be forever-ever. there is no tragic reason for this hiatus, just a lack of things to say that seem valuable/funny/interesting. thanks for reading and keeping up with me wherever i/you have been in the country, i hope life is flourishing for all of you...

Shallow waters run...shallow

2009-07-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've heard rumours(european spelling(and by rumors I mean direct quotes(how do you do multiple parentheses?) that people are getting bored by my random musings on life (and by life I mean vampires, vegan cookies and pointless observations). Frankly I am too. I think about deep stuff too though, probably too much. Sometimes I have to lighten up and embrace my flippant, more shallow side. Plus, sometimes its not fun to be transparent and totally open with....everyone/anyone.

This all relates to one of my pillars of wisdom (take some notes): Finding a balance. I haven't read a ton of religious texts, but my impression is that most emphasize that following "the path" can be paradoxical. We feel torn between seemingly irreconcilable polarities of thought/choices, when often there is a way that can embrace both the yin and the yang (symbol of balance, dark/light) the horizontal and the vertical (the cross). So, most of the time I get shit (mostly from myself) for being too serious, too caught up in things that can distract from life...right now. So for me, being funny and ridiculous and talking about surfacey stuff is a necessity for sanity.

In my final piece of news: Tomorrow I leave for Indianapolis and three days of training for....my job starting monday!!! I am so close to employment I can taste it.

vegan 'cookies'

2009-07-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a coffee shop, facing the window. If today's post seems shallow, self-conscious its because the dude sitting behind me is totally reading it behind my back (do you see this? I'm onto you!). I drank a delicious americano, a little too quickly though because now there's nothing to wash down my crumbly vegan oatmeal cookie. From this day forth I'm not going to support vegan baked goods, until someone shows me that not every vegan baked good is dry and crumbly.

I'm listening to Josh Rouse, which always makes me feel like a panzy (as if drinking an americano and eating a vegan oatmeal cookie wasn't enough) so I'm going to listen to...hmm, I guess Pete Yorn makes me feel a little less douchey. Earlier prediction of self-conscious/shallowness appears to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm going to get a little deeper here...Do most people have the idea that they are meant to be something more than they are? I'm going to say yes. In my experience, most people I've met are trying to figure out how to become what they feel they are supposed to be. Some people see this as a career thing, others are looking for the person that will complete them, and others want to be complete in and of themselves. I'm probably leaving out someone.

This figuring out of what we are meant for seems pretty central to being satisfied in life. Figuring out our strengths/weaknesses, passions...this is important. Sometimes to find that you have to get serious about getting rid of the things that stand in the way. I don't know what that is for you, but for me, on this day it is vegan cookies. Seriously I mean you can't call these things cookies, its like eating a normal butter filled cookie that sat there for like a year. There are probably some more serious barricades to my journey of self-discovery, but these 'cookies' will do for today.

41st post

2009-07-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

This is a big moment for me, marking the 41st posting of this blog. I would guess most personal blogs of non-famous, non-socially influential/popular people only make it to somewhere in the teens. You have no idea the fortitude it has taken me to get here.

Actually, its been completely enjoyable to have a blog. Not only does it allow me the self-absorption I need, but when you put your thoughts and your life into writing you begin to carry with you a greater awareness of yourself and your surroundings. Honestly, I think the best writers are the ones with a keen sense of observation for the currents, both subtle and obvious in life. I'm not putting myself in that company, but I do love to write and I know just blogging regularly has sharpened my skillz. That's how I spell it anyway.

Less than two weeks before I start my job! Got to meet with a reporter from NPR and brain storm my oral history project with her which was awesome and got me totally excited to start. It's like I get to make a documentary in several mediums...Just to hear people's stories will be amazing.

In other news, Columbus is a really cool city and no I'm not kidding. Every day I see a new street, hear about a new event...Don't knock it til you come visit. Also, go listen to Josh Ritter's: The Animal Years OR The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter. Yep.

19 days and counting...

2009-07-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

19 days and counting before my days of unemployment are over, for at least a year. Being unemployed and NOT living with my parents has forced me out of my catatonic inactivity and into such activities as making food for myself and being aware of when I should bathe. Today, for example I cleaned the stovetop, underneath the burners where the remains of scrambled eggs and spaghetti sauce goes to decay and fossilize. Then I spent nearly an hour drinking coffee and walking around the house and the porch thinking about what the day might hold for me. After dropping off the recycling and filling out a change of address form at the post office I feel quite satisfied that I have done enough for the world.

Last night I joined some [future] co-workers on a 15 or 20 mile bike ride. At midnight. On a rarely used bike that left me gasping for breath and choking back tears on the slightest of inclines. It was actually a lot of fun though. If you've never ridden a bike at night on a barely lit trail, you are missing out. It looked a lot like the blair witch project at times, which was just the motivation I needed to keep my burning quads pumping along.

Tonight there is a free jazz concert at the King Arts Complex by our house, and I think more people are coming over. I grew up in the country and got used to there being nothing to do, so its pretty amazing to be able to be so close to so many things to do. I suppose that means I'll be blogging less, I dunno. That's all for today.

2009-07-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

I finally moved into my new house in Columbus, now I'm counting down the days until I start my job. I haven't worked since March 1st when I started my road trip (chronicled in this fantastic blog) and I am sorely in need of a focus for my time and energy because frankly I am getting tired of making up topics to blog about that have nothing to do with reality (vampires etc.).

Seriously though, if you haven't been unemployed for more than a month I don't recommend it, as appealing as it might sound. I read a LOT, blogged about mindless inane subjects, walked my dog way too much, and hung out with my parents. Those are all great things in and of themselves, but they are better suited for like a week of time, rather than a few months.

Also, I saw "Away We Go" the other night, and really enjoyed it. Go see it if you like Dave Eggers, Alexi Murdoch, Jim from The Office or witty Indie comedies that make you laugh and then feel sentimental. I like all of those things. It is an especially meaningful movie if you've ever likened yourself to a nomad.

Did I ever tell you why my blog is titled the way it is? It is a Townes Van Zandt song, and you should probably listen to it. One of the best songwriters ever.

niece and nephew (not a department store add)

2009-06-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

Don't let their innocent looks and fashionable bathrobes fool you...read below!

fratricide at the beach

2009-06-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

Been in Charleston for 3 days now. Just enough time for excruciating sun-burn and survival of first three ocean related homicide (fratricide) attempts by niece and nephew (more are sure to come). All attempts involved them placing their entire body weight on top of my head as I frolicked amongst the waves. Lesson learned: Role playing a seal causes children to begin role playing blood-thirsty poachers.

Charleston was my home for 7 or 8 months (precise counting is one of the faculties I have lost since college) and this is the first time I've been back since I left in March. It has been awesome to be with my family (fratricide attempts aside) and to see some great friends I made while I was here. I suppose I feel more at home in Charleston than I do anywhere else.

While we were at the beach I tried to teach the kids a lesson in conservation by convincing them to throw back the hermit crabs and minnow we caught. It worked with the hermit crabs, but the minnow was another matter. Since I was the one who caught it, I had no qualms about grabbing my niece's leg as she tried to run away with the minnow in her water bottle and releasing the minnow back into its home environment. No one ever said conservation was easy. There was lots of tears, possibly fueling the subsequent fratricide attempt, but I'm confident the world is a better place because of my efforts today for that small minnow. One thing about kids is that they have short memories, so she forgot about it like ten minutes later; She was too consumed with waterboarding Uncle Sam.

further discussion on vampires (ie. too much time on my hands)

2009-06-18T08:02:00.001-07:00

I forgot to say that the correct answer to my question in the vampire blog was: Capitalism! But mostly just the scary parts of capitalism. Like we have been experiencing lately in the world at large, hence the rise of vampires. See they represent capitalism's need for constant growth (fresh blood in vampire terms) which sometimes leads to misanthropic commercial efforts like adjustable rate mortgages, bernie madoff etc. and so on and so on until most of the world has been shall we say, affected. It's not that I think capitalism is necessarily 'bad' all the way around, its just that I think that some aspects of the nature of the system are sort of scary, like a vampire.

Under the capitalist system, a corporation by nature must demonstrate an increase in profit over time both to curry favor with investors and lenders to continue this growth. Lots of times this leads to ingenuity (like Twitter), but sometimes it leads to adjustable rate mortgages too and all the other crap with derivatives which I don't understand.

It's kind of like how back in the day, all the European nations had to start taking over countries in Africa and South America because they had run out of resources (ie. profit sources) of their own. With all our technology (Twitter!) America is less economically based on natural resources than the old colonial powers I think, but you get my point. Sometimes there are only so many ways to make a buck that don't end up screwing up something else, or someONE else. But here's the thing: Capitalism isn't a bad guy, its just his nature. Just like a vampire isn't a bad guy, its just his nature to want to drain humans of blood, and while that sucks for humans, intellectually we can understand that it is just his nature, if he didn't drink your blood he would die.

Like Klosterman, I think pop culture matters. I don't necessarily think it has inherent value (see Paul Blart: Mall Cop) but people's reaction to it, and why they are drawn to it, that matters. Klosterman kind of observes pop culture through the lens of Jung and Campbell (I only refer to great minds by their last name) believing that our minds function on the basis of cultural symbols and mythology etc. I am rambling here, but basically I am asserting that I stand alongside great minds when I make my assertions that the proliferation of vampires in pop culture is due to the recent blow ups in our capitalist system. Remember who told you first. On another level of this discussion, perhaps the 'vegetarian' diet of the Cullen family represents such efforts as the Fair Trade movement.

iran...and i ran (this is the wittiest thing i have come up with in my life)

2009-06-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Revolution is brewing in Iran...So I heard on Twitter. Someone also tweeted about a tee shirt we could buy to show "solidarity with Iranian's". This demonstrates my longstanding social theory: It is not a justifiable cause until I can buy a tee shirt. Wearing a cause-based t-shirt suggests that I have some tangential connection with actually working toward the solution of said cause. It suggests I am socially aware, intelligent and only one level below celeb-activists like George Clooney and Natalie Portman. For white males, this is important because it might be the closest we get to Natalie Portman.

In other news, I've been running lately. For about a month I was running, sometimes three miles at a time which is a lot more in the metric system, which I've begun using lately as the European's do. Today I went to the trail, and keeping a sharp eye out for any females between the ages of 18 - 35 as is my custom, and began to stretch. I even bought a new pair of running shorts today ($5.99 at Marshall's) in anticipation. The run started off normally, a slight bout of nausea followed by the existential despair that comes when you run without being chased. This time I couldn't overcome the odds and I stopped after a quarter mile. I stretched for a while trying to gauge whether I would continue my quest for a slender body and increased lung capacity, then I quickly headed back to my car only pausing to perfect my limp as I walked by the runners I had passed in the quarter mile. I probably will not be able to sustain running as part of my lifestyle unless I join a runner's club or get a girlfriend that runs, but at least I will already have the shorts.

if i wasn't blogging i'd be curled into fetal position, national symbolism of vampires

2009-06-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

How do I blog so much you might ask? Some naysayers would suggest "unemployment", "still living at home with parents", and even "self-involved". These are all accurate ways to describe my current lifestyle, but how many in my shoes would even be able to get themselves out of bed in the morning (or couch in my case)? Meanwhile I'm not only awake but blogging about such topics as religious truth and post-college angst! There may be just thirteen of you willing to publicly "follow" me, but I have it on good authority that there are many followers lurking in the shadows of the shadowy interweb.

Speaking of 'lurking' (creepiest word ever) and 'shadows' has everyone seen Twilight? An excellent film (not movie, film) not merely in its content but because it makes one sympathize with vampires, but not all vampires, just the 'vegetarian' vampires such as the Cullen family.

I'd like to take a moment and examine the current pop-culture fascination with vampires. Twilight is big enough itself, but there's also the highly regarded HBO series 'True Blood', an upcoming series of novels by Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Blade II) and probably a lot more if I felt like doing actual research. As an uncertified Jungian analyst, I surmise that there are certain archetypes which rise to the surface of the national unconscious at certain times according to the 'zeitgeist', or 'spirit of the times'. So what is the meaning of our current fascination with vampires? What do they symbolize? Consider that by nature they need fresh blood to survive, without it they perish. They cannot consider the toll on humanity, after all they must live according to their nature, and their nature leads them in search of their next meal. Of course I know the answer, but you must learn this on your own. Also just noticed my fingernails are too long, must consider posting this as facebook status update. More self-involvement to come soon.

2009-06-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

I might be the most self-conscious person you'll meet, so in a way a blog is perfect for me because its like the internet provides a faceless buffer zone between my need to express myself and those of you who read this (still hard to believe that mom is not my only reader). So when Matt and I started a little 'blogversation' (I'm copywriting that) it kind of removed the buffer zone. Most of my ideas about Christianity etc. have gone unexpressed for so long that I think they kind of poisoned me; Things that could have benefitted myself and others became just useless bitter feelings. I believe that's called repression, and most psychologists would tell you it's not healthy (Matt would know).

I really appreciated a lot of the feedback I've gotten, through comments etc. Thank you Adrienne and Chris for thoughtfully explained comments and encouragement. It is a fear of mine that expressing my true self might end in rejection etc., and sometimes it does, but I've been lucky/blessed to always have at least a few people acknowledge and encourage true expression.

I think it's good to know yourself, and be gracious with yourself. And I think I have run out of words.

2009-06-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

This has been a good conversation Matt. Once again you had a thoughtful, gently intelligent response. I also enjoyed some of the comments people have left. It felt good for me to express some things that have probably taken their toll on me, and to have my thoughts clarified in a discussion. It is good to be honest about things like this, you can only go forward if you figure out where you are.

It is good to wonder about these things, and to poke and prod the framework of your life. It can be a healthy thing, or it can be very unhealthy. I think I'm beginning to discover that it can be healthy when we do it with the knowledge and support of people who love us. Communicating your thoughts without fear of judgement is one of the purest and greatest feelings. In truth, most of my poking and prodding was done alone, and it wasn't good for me. So my encouragement is for openness and honesty with one another through love. It's my belief that God loves and rewards those who seek truth earnestly, so don't be afraid to do just that.

A Response, Point by Point

2009-06-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

My friend has responded! Matt's Response I think both of us feel a little defensive about our views, but we both want to learn from each other and to find a common ground. We hope it will be productive for us, and for anyone who might read it. Here is my second response:

1. Agreed, thoughts can be classified as 'wrong' when they regard the material world, as you suggest with your typewriter analogy. However, classifying thoughts about the immaterial world as 'right' and 'wrong' is not as clear cut. No one of us holds the truth, let alone the 'Truth' as you put it. So no, I don't think anyone can tell anyone else that their spiritual thoughts are wrong. Disagree as much as you'd like, but telling someone they are wrong and you are right is just another means of polarizing and probably paralyzing any productive conversation that might happen. Spiritual 'rightness' in my view is like a piece of 'flair' on a uniform, it isn't of practical use in and of itself. 'Right living' on the other hand, which I think we'd both agree is the point of the Christian life is of the utmost meaning and use, and it does not matter what is said about it, 'right living' can stand up on its own without controversy because it is good for those whose lives it touches. So if your beliefs are 'right', let it show forth in your life, and all will applaud.

2. "Relative truth"
Without specific examples, this conversation goes nowhere. Truth about what? Well, let's say we are talking about the 'truth' of how to follow God. In my mind, Jesus knew that the groups of people he spoke to were made up of individuals. Individuals with varying experiences, and varying ways of learning. So how did he teach them? He taught through parables. A seemingly simple story, which upon reflection gives rise to a higher set of symbolic and complex realizations. In my view Jesus taught this way because he knew that the same story would strike ten people in ten different ways. Hopefully there would be some correlation, but he wasn't willing to ignore the individuality of his listeners, even if he hoped they would take some common themes from his parable. He did not then quiz each listener to make sure he had got the truth 'right'.

In reality, the people Jesus taught in parables had at least a relatively similar orientation. Most of them were Jewish, so they shared religion, language and a common sociopolitical bond of occupation by Rome. Still, with all this in common, there were many different interpretations of who Jesus was and what the heck he was talking about.

So really, the term 'relative truth' does not need to mean that there is not one truth. Indeed I believe in the possibility of one 'truth' on a variety of things, but the fact remains that this truth comes across in various ways, to various people, thus the necessity of 'relative'. I think you'd agree that none of us have the whole picture of what is going on spiritually. At the most we see a small window on a great cathedral (metaphor used by F. Forrester Church), and we examine and learn from the light that shines from it. But it seems preposterous not to acknowledge that someone stands on the other side of the cathedral, looking through another window that is just as real and meaningful to him. Spiritual truth is not a thing any of us can hold in our hand and give to other people. We can tell them what we see, and how we experience the light from our unique vantage point, but no one can give the truth to anyone else, because in essence what we hope for as spiritual people is not just 'knowledge' of the truth, which any rote scholar could gather from all the religious texts in the world, we hope to 'experience' the truth, and live in the light of it.

3. Your question: "If there is no way to say who is right and wrong in the spiritual realm, what is its value?"
Once again we seem to both be obsessed in different ways with these terms, 'right' and 'wrong'. I'll share an example that maybe will be productive in this conversation:
'Old man' was sharing this story about 'Josh' with his young disciple: Apparently, old man raised the question, "Can a non-believer practice agape love?" Josh apparently said yes, for such and such reasons. Old man said Josh was wrong, for such and such reasons. And so on and so forth. Let's say I agree with old man, and you agree with Josh...which of us is right? Which of them is right? But old man, who in my experience is not alone among Christian leadership said that Josh was "wrong". He didn't just disagree and allow that Josh could be correct, he said Josh was "wrong". This highlights my basic problem with this kind of mentality.

Old man may be right about such and such, you may be right about such and such, and I may be right about such and such. But when all of our opinions and beliefs collide, let it be with respect for the inherent uncertainty in ALL spiritual beliefs. If you believe your view to be the truth, fantastic, then believe it and live it to the fullest. But please recognize, as a believer of any kind, you are believing in this 'truth' by faith, ultimately. Not demonstrable logic. There are all kinds of things written that try and make Christianity make sense in worldly terms, and perhaps it can and does, but it is not an arithmetic equation or a chemical reaction, it is a belief in something unseen, which if authentic, should change your life in beautiful ways and make you a better neighbor, even if your neighbor doesn't share your view of truth.

4. Final Point, Questions
You cannot separate what I am saying from who I am. I am a spiritual seeker, and I am seeking the truth. It led me into evangelical Christianity, and then out again when I felt it no longer was a help but a hindrance on my journey. I am compelled and drawn to Jesus and to the Bible. I am repelled by some Christians, to be quite honest. I try to see individuals but I admit I stereotype and judge Christians just as much as I might perceive that they stereotype/judge me. I don't like that this happens, this separation, so I'm taking small steps to address it and hoping for the best.

Matt the last thing you said was that you can't love without a base of truth. I think this could be flipped around as well, we cannot find truth without a base of love. I understand that the mind wants a reason for justifying action, but I remember Paul writing this to the Corinthians:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love,
I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith,
so as to remove mountains,
but have not love,
I am nothing."

I personally don't feel that we need to have a deep theological basis for loving one another. It might be helpful, and so be it, but for me I think there is a way to love people without really ascribing myself to a specific orthodoxy for doing so. I have known people who seem to have heads crammed full of theology, but they basically do not love people. I have on the other hand known people who had no interest in religion or Church who loved people with everything in them. No one does it perfectly, but if we can only love others once we have a firm "base of truth" then many of us will be unable to love. I don't always love people well, but I want to, and that comes from a sense that we are all part of something greater. That things were basically meant to be so much better than they are. I want to be a part of making them better. If heaven is an ideal place of perfection, where we are loved and fulfilled, then I want my life to be about bringing that to earth. I feel very unclear about where these beliefs of mine come from, or how I would explain them, but I hope that things will become clearer for me as I take part in loving people, as I believe God does. As a final set of questions to you, I'd like to know: What do you find to be special about the Christian Church? What is it the Church is capable of that cannot be found elsewhere? Why does Christianity/Church matter? Lastly, I love you buddy, for no particular reason, no base of truth other than feeling like you have made me a better person!

2009-06-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends read my last blog and had some questions for me. He thought it was an unbalanced presentation of Christianity, and he was right. This is part of why we make such good friends, because we balance each other out in important ways. I have asked him to respond on his blog, and he has agreed. Let the world learn from two of its greatest theological minds. Nah, in reality most of my ideas about life are half-baked at best and I know it! I'm not baked when I think them though. Seriously Mom I'm not.

On another note, I wish I was friends with Bruce Springsteen. Most people my age only know Bruce from "Dancing in the Dark" or "Born to Run", and I actually like both of those songs in their own way, but he has an amazing catalogue of work besides that, and in many ways in spite of that. But the best thing about him to me is not just his music, but his thinking and heart behind the music. Do yourself a favor and look up a good interview with him and you will see how intensely he cares about humanity, and how his work is so much based on his hope for change and for good. Bruce is the fucking man, and I do not use those words lightly. Apologies Mom.

Also, I've been reading two good books lately: 1. "Sex-God" by Rob Bell. Whoa! Crazy title right?? It's all about the premise that everything in life has a spiritual, unseen dimension. Most notably that 'sex' is really about 'god'. It is a good conversational book, that everyone regardless of their belief system could enjoy and benefit from. People in the conservative Christian community are generally wary of Rob Bell because his wording and questions tend to upset evangelical tradition. Overall, a good read.

On a sidenote, I find the latest rhetoric of the Republican Party to be very interesting. Excluding Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney, most Republican leaders left standing are talking a lot about the idea of being inclusive. They are not a relevant party at this point, and certainly not a force for much of anything these days so naturally they are trying to figure out how to right the ship. I've heard several of them use the metaphor of a "tent" that is big enough for people of varying opinions to stand under together, and even to wrestle under. They recognize that to be influential, a political party must be relevant and compelling to as many people as possible. It makes me think of Evangelical Christianity. The days of the 'moral majority' are over, and lots of people on the inside and the outside of Church are disenchanted with business as usual. I wonder if we will start to see similar trends in the Church as we are seeing in the Republican Party?

The other book I'm reading is "Fathers and Sons" by Ivan Turgenev. Yep it's about fathers and sons, and yep it is a Russian novel. But its also about the inevitable clash between the generations of children and their parents. Pretty good thus far.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and to be honest I'm willing to thank God. I'm not sure I come off on this blog, but I do believe in 'God', or whatever you call it/him/her/... I'd like to find a way to live out of a gratitude for all the good things I have. I dwell too much on the shitty things that are not at all unique to any one of us, and those things deserve to be processed and dealt with but I think I'd be a lot better off if I spent a little more time being thankful.

goooood moooorning vietnam!!!!

2009-05-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

After a short break, I'm back. After the barrage of emails and phone calls begging for my return to bloggerdom I have relented, for the public good. I'm also back in the coffee shop, which means more eavesdropping. Today, there seems to be a Christian mentoring session ('discipling' if you will) going on behind me. The older man brings up "Josh", apparently the theological rebel of their Bible Study. They go on for several minutes discussing the various ways in which "Josh" is wrong in his thoughts and beliefs. This is of course not gossip, as it takes place during a 'spiritual' meeting. The older man sympathetically announces that he doesn't want to make anyone "feel wrong for sharing their thoughts, even if their thoughts are wrong." I'll give you a second to think about that statement.

The old man has already arrived at the destination, in his mind the trip is over. "Josh" is still on his journey, and 'old man' can see from his spot on the finish line that "Josh" is going the "wrong" way. In my experience in Christian groups (and probably Josh's) "Truth" is mostly on a one way street from the 'pulpit' or 'authority' figures to the rest of us. There is a large, mostly unexplored chasm between us and it is not a respectable place for one to linger for too long.

Christian authority figures might suggest that there are certain doctrinal statements which one must believe to be a Christian, there can be no debate on these things. I think this is mostly to prevent some messiness which might result from having people of different opinions under one roof. The thinking goes that if people can agree on an orthodox foundation, they can function to pursue similar goals, building off that foundation. This seems valid.

My problem with the kind of thinking seen in the 'old man' vs. "Josh" situation is that it suppresses Josh's individuality as a human being. Old Man might have a seminary degree and 25 years of life experience on Josh, and these can't be discounted, but in the realm of the Unseen, the Spiritual, there is no way to say who is 'right' and 'wrong', it is totally arbitrary. Human authority is only helpful for the institutions who created it.

So if we can't 'know' these things, shouldn't we just throw away the whole thing? No more Church, no more religions? Some might say yes, but I say no. There might be a lot we will never know while we live on earth, but in my mind, there is so much we can all stand together on. Now more than ever, most of us are starving for true community, to care for neighbors as they care for us. There is immense suffering all over the world, and right next door from abuse, hunger, crime, loneliness. There are areas where people grow up with no hope, homes where kids grow up without love. We all have so much need for love, and we all have so much of it to give. I am for anything that brings unity to divergent groups of people. Black, white, green, blue, protestant, atheist...We are all human beings. So let's disagree, but let's do it together and remember the things that unite us. Simply put: We need each other far too much to be separated by anything.

I hope "Josh" will continue his journey, in community, unafraid of being wrong. I hope "Old Man" will start his again, unafraid of the distance between the pulpit and the people. I hope we can all find a way to engage in the messiness of community. We are all on the same level, all guessing, hoping for a higher power, a better day, a new way to live.

news

2009-05-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

Things don't always turn out like you planned, but it makes sense to me that as little specks in the universe we might not really know what's good for us. I used to feel dumb because of how many times I'd make big life plans and then change them the next day. Now I'm just used to it. All I can do is what I feel is right at the time...and if it comes clear that things are changing, I hope I have the wisdom, strength and grace to embrace the change. I dunno.

Anywhoo, it turns out I won't be making music in Nashville anytime soon. I just accepted a job in Columbus for the next year. It's an Americorps VISTA position and I am super excited about it. I'll be writing a neighborhood history for this little neighborhood on the northeast side. If you know me, you know history and writing are basically...me. So I feel lucky.

As for Nashville and music, what can I say? I hope I can find some jam partners in Columbus and just do it for fun.

I am learning to sense what is right, and to be humble. I think we are more special and powerful than we know, but we are also so tiny and powerless. I believe both can be true at the same time. I feel much better now.

Ice cream dreams

2009-05-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

Things went well yesterday. I can't say what those things are for a few more days, but just know that THINGS went well. Ha. Millions of you will be unable to eat, unable to watch TV, or even breathe until you know what THINGS are.

Moving on...this morning in the coffee shop, I'm sitting by two professors. Each is trying to one-up the other. A death blow was just struck when one's husband was revealed to be fluent in Farsi.

In other news, over the years I've noticed that I have crazy dreams whenever I eat ice cream. Last night I had some Edy's 'Drumstick', and several hours later I was attacked by a shark while deep sea fishing, then I went back and had drinks at a crazy party Gram Parson's was throwing (google him, I just read his biography). That's probably the least dramatic of my ice cream dreams. Does anyone else have this issue?

If you read this, your eyes just got dumb on them. Soon, THINGS will be revealed.

2009-05-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

During the 8 am hour in any decent coffee shop, one can eavesdrop on the masterminds of business discussing everything from their intellectual property attorney, where to find the cheapest deal on an Acura (rich people are cheap), and (more discretely) the poor state of most businesses in this economy. Two business men sat down to my left and the one says, "How are you how's business?" With literally no pause between the two questions. Maybe those are basically the same questions for some people. It seems like we are perceived by what we 'do', and this is not entirely unfair. People can only evaluate what they see, and they can only evaluate using known measures (vocation, posessions, hobbies etc.).

I wonder how I am perceived today by these businessmen. Probably I look like all the other college students they see, my flannel, shaggy hair and red backpack. Adults do not wear backpacks. I must remember to purchase one of those messenger bags. This is an underrated form of growing up. First came slim fit jeans, now a messenger bag, next....health insurance!

2009-05-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

It is 11 am. I've been up for over 2 hours, but I'm not awake. I feel like I could lie down on this hardwood floor in the coffee shop and fall asleep with people stepping over me, or slipping in the growing puddle of drool around my face. Some days this just seems to be the way it goes.

I have some exciting things in the works, but I can't talk about them. Sometimes I write this as though hundreds and hundreds of people were reading it daily and commenting about it in their various networks. If this is true, I need some sponsorship on here.

I am still so freaking tired. I wish some random stranger would scare the shit out of me as I listen to my music and type away. I'd be pissed at them, but thankful too. Ahhhh, okay back home to make some lunch for my dad and take him to the doctor. He had surgery on his foot, so while my mom is away (tending to my sick granddad) I get to play homemaker and caretaker. I've been pretty impressed with my cooking skills so far, and I keep a tidy house, so I think I might be suited to be a stay-at-home dad, writing blogs all day, cooking, maybe going for a run or taking a nap. Maybe I'll take out an add on craigslist (young, fit blonde male seeking beautiful, rich sugar momma...). Food for thought.

why so serious?

2009-04-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to bring some balance to my seriousness. Today I will be funny as hell. Except that I really have nothing to say today, I am back home with my parents, waiting for the proverbial burning bush to direct me towards the women, riches and fame which surely await. But really, I had a good interview with that coffee shop that's starting; I clicked with the guy, especially when he started talking about Jewish philosophy (wha???) at some point. We shall see. Talking to my road trip buddy Zack, I realized that I only say two kinds of things when I talk to people. If they are telling me about some problem they are having (girl problems, car problems, it could be anything really) then I always respond with a short soliloquy on finding the 'balance' in the given situation. If I am telling them about some problem I'm having (girl problem, job problem) I always end up just repeating, "we'll see" over and over. So with this realization, and in keeping with the sense of 'efficiency' inherent in every good American, perhaps you should think twice before consulting me on your problems. Instead, just imagine what it would mean to find balance in your issue, therefore saving us both time, wireless minutes and disappointment when we hang up the phone! But you know what? I have never really been too concerned with efficiency, perhaps best demonstrated by my dropping out of college before the first semester....of my senior year. So I would actually love to talk to you about balance, or even just listen as you ramble about some unbalanced problem you're having! And I do enjoy calling you too, and telling you about various trials with their 'impossible to know' conclusions and repeating that, indeed I will "see". Up to this point I have been exercising (with impressive vitality!) my sarcasm muscle, and as you can see it is well-developed and down for whatever. The great thing about sarcasm is that it works so well if you are usually known as a serious person, because then only people who know you can really tell if you are being sarcastic or serious! And this gives white people great joy: To be 'in the know', as long as there is a much larger group of people on the outside of given issue. This is my biggest problem with indie music, because as long as a band is sufficiently obscure, they will have an intensely loyal group of circulation-cutting jeans wearing shoe gazers, but at the first sign of the 'wrong kind' of person finding out about said obscure band these tear drop sporting slouchers will abandon ship for the next dispensable group of 'different' sounding rockers. If you haven't already checked out the blog "stuff white people like"...it is time my friend. Also, I am secretly jealous of the afforementioned hipsters, because their powers are so foreign to me. I have no idea how they know the stuff they know. And I cannot wear true skinny jeans. I tried a pair in American Apparel, and it was the first time I truly thought to myself, "I have the hindquarters of a cornfed, Ohio farmboy". It never would have worked. I do however enjoy my slim-straight fits. They make me feel like I am a 'young professional'. As I said to a girl the other day, "The first step toward adulthood is dressing like one." Very soon I hope to sport some kind of facial hair, and perhaps get health insurance. One day at a time, we'll see.

Back to serious for a moment:
In other world news, the James family of Nashville, TN has made been nominated for my "Family of the Year" award. They took me into their home, fed me, shared years of experience in the music scene, and perhaps most important: They introduced me to the life-altering teen vampire drama, 'Twilight'. Maybe a tiny bit of sarcasm slipped in to that last sentence, but not as much as you'd think, I'm quite a sucker for a good teen-angst filled drama, and I actually think the appealing dynamic in which they portray vampires is genius. I think vampires are really making a pop-culture comeback, and I plan on taking full advantage of that somehow. We'll see.

like a plane landing

2009-04-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am fascinated with my mind. It sounds egotistical (that word sounds dirty to me) and it is but my mind is the only one I know, ya know? I was thinking yesterday that I feel like a plane that's been flying for a long time, and I don't know if I'm running out of fuel..or if I just want to see what its like to touch the ground, but either way I'm trying to land...and it is bumpy. I don't know about you but being on a plane never fails to make me the most religious person ever, I make all sorts of promises to God and I always believe with a part of me that I am going to die on this plane. Every damn time, mostly taking off and landing you know? And of course it's the same with when I 'take off' or 'land' into a new phase of life. I start reading the bible, I look for signs everywhere, I become this superstitious, religious madman because both in the case of a real life plane ride and the figurative one, it is a desperate lack of control that I feel.

I say all this because I have been in Nashville since wednesday, looking for jobs and generally ANYTHING that would help me put some roots down. Let me say that it is a horrible time in US history to be looking for a job, even for someone with my plethora of marketable skills. I mean Christ, doesn't everyone need another young 20-something who can make coffee? Sometimes I can be so self-deprecating, but sometimes laughing about it is better than the alternative.

So tomorrow I've got an interview with a new coffee shop in a hip area of town, so I'm going to do my best to not even think about what COULD happen and just go into it feeling open to life's opportunities. Probably my worst character trait is that I vicariously go through situations before they actually happen, and sometimes I assume the worst. Like I will anticipate a rejection from a girl before it even happens. It is just awful. Ryan Adam's sings "bad news always comes for the people who want it to". Goodness I am baring my soul here aren't I? Well, maybe I'm not doing it for anyone but myself, sometimes you just need to be honest when you look in the mirror. I hope we can all do that, so we can stop wearing masks and getting confused about who we actually are! Cause I think it's bullshit that we should all force happiness upon ourselves just to avoid rocking the boat. Happiness is so narrowly defined, like only people who smile all the time and talk a lot and seem successful...Well fuck that (pardon my language, or don't) to me happiness is like a never ending road, and we all start at different places and we all move at different speeds down the road and sometimes there are these fucking potholes that really mess you up if you don't have good shocks, or maybe you don't even have a car and your hitching...I mean really, happiness isn't just smiling a lot and never saying anything mean. It's all about you, the individual, don't let anyone tell you how to be happy, or how to appear happy, just find it yourself, you will always find the help and the strength to do that. This will probably be the most controversial blog due to the language, but sometimes these curse words are just so much more expressive and appropriate!

Lastly, I have to say that you really need to be careful when you are looking for motels in strange cities. I stayed at this place the other night, I can't even remember the name, but all you need to know is that there are two groups of people who stay here: Those who rent by the hour (hint-hint) and those who LIVE there. I found out later, it is notorious for drugs and prostitution..like the place where $80,000 cars show up for a few hours, and there are always drunk men sitting on the porch. I mean, jeez Sam, show some awareness you know? I feel for these people, but that doesn't mean I need to stay there ever again. Sometimes I castigate myself for separating myself from people who are in need..but yet again, there is a paradox of pursuing your own happiness and fulfillment and that is balanced by the overwhelming hordes of people living in utter despair, everywhere. If you only see contradiction, you will ultimately choose only one of those extremes and let me say that NEITHER is right. Find a balance, find a balance, find a balance and you will find "happiness" or whatever it is called in your world. But really, I am just a 23 year old without a job or much else to impress anyone. Maybe that's what I like about the written word; My undying hope that words and stories can stand alone as teachers without a motive but to shine light on our own unique meanings and truths...and that maybe someday, when we learn to trust and to love each other we can find the truest life of all in unity. Amen.

cerealous decisions

2009-04-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching 'Marley and Me', I could pretend to think it was cheesy, but who am I kidding, I am a total cheese most of the time. Like John Grogan, I tend to surprise myself, and I'm hoping that the future will be full of nice surprises now that the trip is done. The trip was like a purgatory, a really good one (if that works) and now I'm waiting to see where I go next. That analogy might actually be kind of scary so I'll probably avoid that one, but really I do feel like I'm in a holding tank kind of. I'm back home with my parents, and just kind of trying to figure out my next move. I don't want to make it in haste, but I don't exactly want to be that 23 year old who lives with his parents too long either. So here comes the age old question (at least for me)...How do you find a balance between waiting for opportunities and creating them yourself? I mean, if I had my way I'd be in Nashville tomorrow...but I also don't have a job or place to live yet. And what if there's a better opportunity for music somewhere else and I ignore it because I'm so focused on Nashville? If it sounds like I am stressed, that's not the case I am feeling pretty good, but I am definitely hoping for some doors to open soon.

I've been thinking and talking a lot about 'friction' lately. Something I must have read I guess, but I feel like my tendency, and maybe OUR tendency is to avoid things that cause friction, or cause us to think critically about our decisions every day. I'd rather just make one decision and then cruise in autopilot you know? Like in college I was always hoping for that major that just totally satisfied me, had the promise of a good career, and most importantly looked impressive to everyone. So naturally I was a history major. And its the same deal now, I just want to nail down a job and a place to live in Nashville so I don't have to think about it and I can put my mind on other things. But most of the time I think friction keeps me healthy, keeps me on my toes and on the lookout. It brings out the best in me, if I let it.

I've noticed it in society as well, like the guy who picks the democratic party when he's 24 and sticks with them the rest of his life without thinking about it, or the old woman (let's call her Ann) who chose the Christian Church when she was 12 and just stopped thinking about what it means for a lifetime. I guess we could throw in Vinnie, a 37 year old UPS truck driver from Philadaelphia who picked fruity pebbles as his cereal when he was 8 and still eats it. I enjoy some nice fruity pebbles once in a while myself! My point is that we are so concerned with comfort that we take on the chains of something that might keep us from a better, more full life. There's nothing inherently wrong with democrats, Christians and especially fruity pebbles but it seems like some of us just walk around dead behind the eyes, we've made our choices, signed our mortgages, chosen our careers, and damn it we are gonna eat the hell out of those fruity pebbles! (deep breath) So all I'm saying is (to myself more than anyone), don't be in such a rush to pour concrete around your decisions, big and small...Just be willing to let a little friction in once in a while. Try some raisin bran or something, lots of fiber, good for you!

farming

2009-04-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

It's our first lunch break of our first day on a farm near Silverton, Oregon so this will be a short post. I've already broken my first piece of farm equipment (a hoe handle) which was actually strike 3 on my record (the first 2 were related to dishwashing mistakes last night) so I told Bill (the farmer) that its a good thing I'm not staying all season, or he may out of a farm. I'm pretty hilarious at times.

Eugene was the place we stayed on wednesday after driving ten hours from San Francisco, and it was the first day of the trip when I felt sincerely ready to not be traveling anymore. But being here at the farm has a calming influence, it definitely balances out our experience so far which has mostly been cities with lots of noise and lights. Here the nights are pretty cold (we sleep in a yurt--go ahead and wikipedia that one), the light comes from stars and the noise from the occasional coyote.

Now that I'm nearing the end of my travels, its time to start making some decisions. I feel good about where I'm going, even if I don't know what any of it looks like yet. Here's to uncertainty:) As a good friend once told me though, 'necessity is the mother of creation'. I'm pretty sure he didn't make that up, but its a good one to think over...try it.

2009-04-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

We've been in San Francisco, staying at my aunt and uncles since thursday. Sitting outside today, drinking some coffee I thought to myself that there is nobody I'd rather be. I like the way I think, even when I think too much. I don't always do what I know is right, but I try to most of the time. I've seen a lot more of the country, and I've met a lot more people and I feel like I'm learning a lot of things that I couldn't really put into words. There's something about going someplace new where nobody knows you and nothing looks familiar. When you're home, every person and place is like a measure or a mirror and you get used to how they feel and look. When you leave, you don't have any measures but whats inside you. For me, its been a time to be quiet and just reflect on who I am and where I fit in. I'm figuring out I don't have to fit, I can just be me.

It's been a while since I wrote. Since Santa Fe we've been to Flagstaff, AZ, Las Vegas, Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur, Santa Cruz and now San Francisco. Highway 1 has been our road since we came to California, and its been a revelation. All I can say about it is that you need to go and drive it, sooner rather than later because I think it's something that will change you and stay with you.

I've been writing a lot, not songs but just free form/poetry type stuff. It doesn't feel like I have to try too hard, it just comes out of my pen whenever it hits paper. Its a lot less time consuming than writing a typical journal entry (first we went here, and he said this and we saw that...) and it usually ends up feeling pretty good. It helps me figure out what has really meant something to me on the trip. I think songs will come somewhere down the line, when I have a little more time to sit back and think. For now I'm a little consumed with what's in front of me.

As Ginsberg said, I hope you are endowed with the 'great consciousness' of life and living (paraphrased:)

June, keep your green eyes on your mail!

drained in santa fe

2009-03-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a hostel in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It's snow/raining (sleet?) and it's been pretty gloomy all day. We were in the car for probably ten hours, a lot of it through deserts and desert towns of west Texas and New Mexico. This is our tenth day on the road, and I think I have finally hit a brick wall of feeling pretty run down and tired. Road food (various combinations of trail mix, peanut butter, raisins and bread), couches and floors, driving, and just having to be alert and aware of our constantly changing surroundings...it all gets to be a bit too much for an introvert like myself! I have loved every minute (except for a few) but its just time for me to find some way to re-energize....This is a boring post.

Since Austin, we have been staying with Zack's family in Dallas and Arlington. They were great hosts, but on the whole, Texas just isn't my cup of tea. Lots of strip malls and traffic and big trucks blah blah. Don't trust anything I say tonight due to my state. I am all melancholy, I'll probably go write a sad song or something.

Good news! I got word from two organic farms in Oregon that Zack and I can come work for as long as we want, with a place to stay and food to eat. I am really excited just to be on a working farm, and do some work. You don't do much work on the road, which is kind of the point, but..yeah. I should go now.

If anything good comes from this post, it was me venting a little bit, so thank you internet. My grandfather was always real confused about the internet, it caused him a lot of worry to think about where the hell they kept the internet, so my Uncle Todd convinced him it was all in a warehouse in Albany, New York. He never worried about it again. I'm going to go drink some tea and be passive-aggressive for a while until I snap out of this. Love to all.

nashville addendum....

2009-03-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot to say...Zach and I met up in Nashville, and we will hopefully move back there when this is all done. While I was waiting for Zach, I spent a few of the best days I can remember with Nashville's own brightest of the bright lights: Whitney Stevens. When you put together that with seeing Ryan Adams play a show, it was a pretty amazing time. Seeing someone you care about find happiness is one of the best feelings you can know....That's probably all I need to say, I'm cheesy....

live from sxsw...

2009-03-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

So the trip really started, which is a relief so I don't have to delete the blog and change my name and move to montana to avoid the embarrassing letdown that would have caused. I'm sitting on a back porch on Red River in Austin, TX where Zach and I have been for the last few days. Austin is a great town with more music going on per capita than probably anywhere else, but SXSW has been going on this week with hundreds of bands and thousands of fans and record label types all converging on a few blocks. Every every every kind of music being made is here this week, and every every every kind of person is here to see it. You can't tell the difference between the musicians and the fans though, cause everybody knows how to dress and act like a rock star.

We got to see a few free shows, the craziest being the Circle Jerks and the Black Lips. The former is made up of some former Black Flag guys and it was nuts! I stayed near the edge of the moshing and crowd surfing (the band had 3 guys onstage whose sole job was to push rowdy fans off the stage) and just observed in awe. It definitely made me feel out of touch, like if I tried to jump into the crowd they'd probably all move out of the way. Guess I'll stick with the folkie scene.

We spent the first few days in New Orleans with a friend of Zach's and it was like nowhere else I've been. You drive through nothingness and backwoods and swamps (sorry Mississippi) and all of a sudden you see New Orleans. Historically, people didn't leave or enter the city too much except for by boat, and that legacy stuck for generations until Katrina forced people to leave. It still has a pretty unique feel though, like they have their own thing going on there apart from the rest of the country.

We played some music in the park one afternoon, with an audience of homeless people and passers by, and had some pretty great conversations with all. It was interesting to talk to both the homeless and the church folks who were there for the homeless. I think sometimes we forget that we can learn and receive from unlikely places (and faces). There was a lot of darkness in the city. After figuring our way out of a particularly strange encounter one night I told Zach, "There's a time for taking chances, midnight in the French Quarter isn't one of them." We are definitely learning to trust our intuition when it comes to new people and situations. Enough said.

Musically, the highlight of the trip so far was a night we spent in Baton Rouge on the porch of an old friend of Zach's. Five of us retreated from a party and sat on the porch drinking beers, smoking cigarettes and passing around my guitar to play our songs. Great night, thanks mostly to music and friendship, but I suppose also to Miller High Life and American Spirits. It could have made a nice commercial for either. One of the five was a dude in his late 40's whose main thesis of the night was "YOU GUYS ARE IN COLLEGE..YOU NEED TO HAVE AS MUCH SEX AS POSSIBLE!!!" He was the kind of guy you want to write off immediately cause he seems like he's full of shit, and he probably is somewhat, but when it came down to it, he'd been through a lot in life, and like I said, you can learn from anyone, no matter who they are.

So it's time to move on tomorrow, we might be in the lonestar state a few more days, but its an open road and we are learning to take it a day at a time. Zach has a way of keeping me in the moment that has made this week one of the best of my life. Word to the wise, get your hands on some Neil Young!

2009-03-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

So I started the first leg of my journey, although its not exactly the direction you'd expect: I left sunny Charleston to go home to Ohio and almost immediately encountered the ominous dark grey clouds one expects when traveling north in March. As is its custom, March came in like a lion, and I immediately began doubting my decision to come back to Ohio (for any that are unfamiliar with an Ohio winter, just count your blessings)!

Before I'd even left South Carolina, I decided it was time for a cigarette (let me give you time to somberly shake your head). I won't bother to provide explanation, but some of you will understand that in some moments a cigarette is just perfect. So I walked up to the rest area to take shelter from the wind in the awning, and I stand next to an old Mexican man holding a broom and dust pan. His friendly smile and brilliant mustache tell me he is trustworthy and good, and we immediately strike up conversation about the weather. As far as I can tell, we generally agreed that cloudy days and rain must come, and that we should be thankful for the coming green of spring. I finished my cigarette and used the bathroom. As I left I gave him a smile and a wave, and he said, "God bless you boy!". It was all the benediction I needed from the state of South Carolina, and I happily drove through the falling temperatures and occasional rain.

Not much else happened as I drove for about 7 more hours besides my solo foray into a Cracker Barrel outside Asheville, NC. Let me just say that I can now totally relate to Bob Seger's (and eventually Metallica) experience in that "lonely restaurant east of Omaha" in "Turn the Page".
As Townes Van Zandt kept me company, I drove through the Kentucky hills, and it was quite a moment to see the Cincinnati skyline with the sun coming down. It was a nice welcome back, and I was excited to see some good friends. I stayed with C.J. and Dave, two of Cincinnati's finest and fellow Miami alum's. Good conversation and good burritos from Chipotle made for a good night.

I left for Oxford in the morning, with a little apprehension for the old town I called home for 3.75 years. The closer I got, passing Mt. Rumpke and the porn stores of Millville, the more I was taking deep breaths to calm down my beating heart. So many memories were crashing around in my head, so many. For some people (like me) coming home is a mixed bag. I was getting ready to see people I love, people I have a shared past with, but I knew I'd also be running into my past selves on every corner, and they'd bring their memories with them. It was true, I did run into young Samuels as I walked down the street or through campus, and they all made me shake my head and feel weird, but they also made me smile and recognize goodness in each of them. As I walked through the Upham arch, I did some meditation, and once on the other side it was all put to rest. I spent the rest of my time there enjoying some of my best friends, good food and beer and somehow...3 hours of The Bachelor. I don't really want to get into it.

Now I'm in Newark (Ohio) with my parents, eating well, sleeping well and practicing my songs for the coming trip. In a few weeks I'll leave for Nashville and a Ryan Adam's concert and then we'll go west. Trying my best to just stay in the moment as I get ready. Oh and maybe getting a tattoo, more on that later.

step 1 is...

2009-02-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

It might sound cheesy, but i think americans are natural dreamers. maybe it's something in the water, or maybe we just belong to the small part of the world's people who can afford to dream. i think everyone has the seed of a dream and you can do things to water and tend that seed as it grows, or you can do your best to smother it. it seems weird that people would try and kill their own dreams, but dreams can be scary too. to follow a dream is to open yourself to failure and criticism, but its also the gateway to a life worth living.
i have tried on many dreams in my short life, like pairs of jeans, and i always put them back on the rack, but last week i had the scary realization that i know for what my dream is (yikes!)...are you ready? drum roll...ahh, ok here it is: My dream is to put my blood, and sweat and tears and my whole heart into writing songs and making music. wha??? yep, as my sister will tell you, my first song was recorded when i was 5 years old on top of an old casette of my fathers. i took an extended break from song writing to focus on growing up, but then i got a guitar for my 20th birthday. as soon as i could learn a few chords i was writing songs, to understand myself and to understand life. i did some things along the way to water that seed (playing at kofenya, recording in a friend's studio) and i've done some things to smother the seed but it never went away. sometime last week, the stars aligned and i had a moment of pure honesty where i admitted my dream, and it's time to follow!
after a conversation with my parents, i think there might be a good litmus test to see whether the pair of jeans (the dream) fits: a good question to ask is, "does this seem entirely possible?" if the answer is yes, maybe these aren't the jeans for you. i think the dream is a thing that causes you to step out into the unknown, into the realm of 'impossible', because i think that's where God is waiting to show you how to grow that seed into a tree that bears good fruit for you and the people you touch. I use the word "God", you might use another word but as a dreamer/human being, i think there is always a place for the unseen.
so its about time for me to hit the road and travel across america, hopefully with my buddy zack. we're hoping to expand ourselves and our music, to see God in new and fresh ways and to see how those jeans feel!
we'll be traveling from nashville through the southwest and up through california and the northwest, and then back to nashville in may for zack to start a music school and for me to start 'working on a dream' as the Boss sings. if you live somewhere along the way, let me know! we are pretty open to where the road and the music take us.